In my last post I talked about the road trip I took to NYC, every time I leave there I’m like why don’t I live here? While that’s not in my immediate future because of co-parenting, I think the feeling really stems from the creative vibe there. For a person like me that vibe is electric, I like DC and all and we do have a creative scene but it’s no New York. I love that New York has so many creative beings not necessarily involved in the creative scene. It has a one of a kind diversity in people, so you never know what conversations you’ll find yourself in at any point in time. If I’m honest DC feels void of that, maybe because our main dealings are in politics, but the social scene here is just that, a lot of politics. And that use to make me really upset, because I’m a person who’s driven by energy, when I feel an abundance of unauthentic energy my first thought is to separate myself from it.
Speaking of energy, I’ve touched on my struggles with blogging over the last few years, consistency being my biggest problem. And while ultimately I take accountability for my energy, I’ve really hit my stride in understanding how to continue to navigate as myself when I’m in the presence of unfavorable energy. I’m a very confidant person by nature but I’m also human, I’m effected by my environment. My problems with consistency are really a product of me operating in a toxic environment.
When you begin to lose yourself, it’s almost always because you’ve released control to someone or something. It can be a relationship, it can be your career, it can be stress, it can be substance abuse, it can be dysfunction…But the underlying cause is lack of control. Only I control what I stop or continue to let happen when I’ve realized that the price I’m paying for those things diminishes my “self”…If the cost of anything requires a reduction in self, it’s never wort it. I think what’s hardest to understand is that I or “you” are to blame if you’ve lost yourself. The first thing a person wants to do is blame it on someone or something else. So going into my 32nd year of life I took all the blame for putting down my passions and fighting this fight with consistency. I decided to take accountability and accept that everything I allowed to happen to me over the past few years is my fault. When I did that I stopped looking to place blame and started moving forward in my life. I started creating again, my stress level decreased, I was happier, I picked up things I loved but had put down, I realized how worthy I am of a life I feel good about living, and I wake up each day inspired to build it up one brick at a time. All because I decided to take back control.
Keeping yourself balanced isn’t something you decide to do and it’s done, it’s a lifelong process. There’s no quick fix to maintaining true inner balance, you have to seek it every day in every situation. Life has a way of gut checking you, every now and then you’re thrown a curveball or two you’ll have to navigate through it. The key is having strong self-awareness and a lot of faith. A lot of that is why the theme of inconsistency has been so strong in my life until now. The difference now is nothing drastic, simply a change in my mindset and that’s it. I know who I am, what I deserve, what I love to do, what my strengths are, and that I’m for some people and things and not for some people or things. I’m ok with that now. I’m ok with waking up one morning and wanting to rewrite the whole story I told yesterday because something in me feels compelled to change, which is realizing when it’s time to grow or go. I think true freedom is being ok with not having all the answers, but still being brave enough to live between the known and the unknown, because that's the only way to explore the depths of who you are. That exploration is critical and directly related to what you leave behind when it’s all said and done.
I say all of this to say what I’ve decided to continue to do is blog and do it consistently. I love fashion and getting dressed, believe me, it’s my favorite way to express my mood and give context to who I am. But my outer shell is not who I am, I have layers that I’ll share with you because we are all layered. And if I sat here and talked about what wore everyday it wouldn’t represent who I am today. I will talk about family, love, pain, growth, victories, failures…we all experience these things but are at times not bold enough to share it. While I know that type of transparency isn’t for everyone, it’s for me. It’s important that the output I pour out is true and evolving as I am. I can’t thank those of you enough who’ve been following this blog, and putting up with my shit as I explored the new person I am through each growth period I’ve experienced.
So gone are the days of inconsistency, I will consistently be inconsistent in terms of my evolution, but I will share here often. Much more often than I have been because I love the space I’ve created here to freely tell my story. I also love the connections I’ve made with all of you here and on social media. It makes my heart really full to know me talking about my experiences, has helped some of you. I give this transparency to you because of the possibility of it helping other people. None of us have this shit figured out and that’s the beauty of life.
Anyway Trish took these shots right before I left NYC. I made these pants, I’ve been sewing a lot lately which I’m proud about! My top is lingerie, hat is from H&M, my bag is vintage, and shoes are Costume National. I was serving auntie vibes because I’m a seasoned 32 year old woman but I’m still ripe haha. I have no idea what that means but I understood it xx